


Why Do You

by alice_queen_of_spades



Category: Peacemaker Kurogane
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to fanfic tropes, M/M, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-28 04:24:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18748969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alice_queen_of_spades/pseuds/alice_queen_of_spades
Summary: With a goodbye inevitable before long, Hijikata Toshizou and Okita Souji discuss why they feel what they feel.This is set between the two chapters where Souji leaves the Shinsengumi.





	Why Do You

**Author's Note:**

> For PMK week on tumblr on the occasion of PMK's 20th anniversary

„Why do you love me, Hijikata-san?“

The troops were about four chō ahead of them. It wasn't because Souji was so heavy – he weighed hardly more now than the last time Hijikata had given him a piggyback, which was when he'd sprayed his ankle during play with other children. He must've been about twelve then. Hijikata Toshizou simply had no intention of catching up with his men before Tama.

„If I can't do anything,” Souji added, “then why do you love me?“

Oh, how was he supposed to answer that. Unlike Souji, Toshizou had never been great at expressing his feelings. Sure, in a haiku, he could say pretty much anything about a plum blossom meaning the world to spring. But now was not the time to hide behind a metaphor written on a piece of paper. It was his own avoidance of explaining himself clearly that had led to the destructive ways Souji now measured himself. But still. Out of all questions, why this? „You're an idiot to ask me something like that, really.“

Souji's weak body tensed on Hijikata's back. „See, I'm too stupid even to figure out something like this.“

Hijikata sighed. „You're not stupid, you're just an idiot. That's two different things. Such a question can't be answered just like that. Why is it that I do? Well, tell me, Souji, why do _you...”_ It was hard to say, this word, _“_ love _me?“_

Souji leaned his head against his senior's. „Hmm. I guess... it's because you put on a cruel act but at the end of the day, you just want to do what's right and best for everyone you care about. Hijikata-san, the demon vice commander, who is a lot nicer than he likes to admit. That's very cute.“

This demon vice commander was very glad Souji couldn't see his flustered mien. „But is that it? It's not like I'm the only person in this world that fits this description. I'm sure there'd be another two or three men like that in our troops aloxne if you just looked hard enough.“

Souji didn't know what to say to that.

„I'm a skilled enough swordsman, even though I can never reach your level; I look pretty damn good, and I guess I'm a little too nice. Is that why?”

“...I don't know. I think it's part of why I love you.”

“Would you stop caring about me if I lost my arms and couldn't carry a sword anymore?”

“No, of course not!” Souji bursted out, then coughed into his sleeve.

Hijikata waited for Souji to catch his breath before he continued, “Would you wish me gone if my face was obscured by a terrible accent, or an...” he hesitated to say it, “...illness?”

“No... of course not...” Souji paused. “But I would stop if you suddenly turned into an evil backstabbing tentacle monster! I think. Maybe. I hope.”

“A wha– I think that's not gonna be a problem, but no matter how you look at it, I'm not the kindest person in the world, so that's not why you love me either, is it?”

“No... it's not.”

“If it's not the assets and skills that I have, then what do you love me for?”

“Hijikata-san... I love Hijikata-san for being Hijikata-san. There's no one thing that stands or falls by.”

“See... and that's why you're an idiot. You seem to think that in your case, it's completely different.”

Souji didn't reply.

“Everyone loves you so much...” Hijikata stopped. Reprimanded himself. _Just say it._ _“I_ love you so much, it's hard for me to understand why you hate yourself this much. I guess for you, it's the other way round.”

Souji's grip around Hijikata's neck tightened. “But I'm dishonest. I tell so many lies, just to get what I want. I'm selfish.”

“Well, what is it that you want when you tell me that you're alright, even though you're not? What are you trying to get when you put on a happy, careless mask?”

Souji said nothing.

“The way I see it, it's not because you're selfish that you tell lies. You tell lies because you don't want to burden others with your problems. You probably think that's selfish because you're doing it out of a desire to be loved. Do you really think that as soon as you need help, you're not worth of being loved anymore?”

“...”

“In the end, the one that suffers most from your lies is you, Souji.”

Silence. Then Souji started to cry again. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Hijikata-san... I'm sorry...”

“Goddammit, what did I just tell you? Did you even listen?”

“I'm sorry, I can't lie anymore, and now I'm crying again and I can't stop... even though you want me not to... I'm sorry...” He coughed, and Hijikata couldn't tell if it was because of his sickness, or his tears suffocating him.

“Stop apologising already! The one that should be apologising is me, for making you believe all of this bullshit in the first place... Just cry when you need to.”

The other men were out of sight by now. It was quiet except for Souji's sobs and the first birds of spring chirping in the distance. Souji was warm on Hijikata's back, alive and crying tears that the March cold chilled into a cool film on the vice commander's neck. What to do now? He needed to cheer Souji up, but how? Tell him to stop crying? Never again. He deserved to cry his heart out if that was what he needed.

“Souji... I can't pinpoint any specific reasons why I love you, but I can tell you about the times when you remind me of how much I do.”

Souji whimpered.

“When you come to me to get money for sweets out of me, and I can't say no, for example.”

Souji sobbed. “I'm sorry... I'm so selfish...”

Dammit, Hijikata was just making things worse. “Uhm... forget about that, let me start over. When you finally have those sweets and share them with me with a smile, because you know I wouldn't get any for myself.”

“Yes,” a sob, “because you're always trying so hard to be cool that you can't even admit that you like them too.”

“Nowhere near as much as you do, though!”

“Let's just ask your brother what he thinks about that when we're back home!”

“I'm not gonna continue the praise if you're being a brat now, do you want that? Yes?”

“No, no, please praise me, Hijikata-san.”

He thought about it a little. This time no awkward miswordings of his intentions, even if it was tricky. “When I get a headache from stress and you kneel down behind me, slowly put your hands on my back and massage my tense muscles, you remind me of it.”

“I like doing that...” There was a smile in Souji's voice.

“Or when you beam at me when you tell me about the games you just played with the neighbourhood children. Or when it rains and you come to my room to convince me to lie down on the tatami with you for a bit to listen to the patter, and you fall asleep in my arms.”

“Mhm.”

“When you're in uniform and wear that cold attitude along with it, and I like that not because it's useful to the Shinsengumi, but because I know that's the same Souji that has so much warmth to give.”

“Don't you think that's terribly fake of me? Okita Souji, the killer of so many, how can he come home and pretend he's kind?” His words were sad.

“You're not pretending. You're both at once, for better or worse. None of us are just one thing. It's like how you can tell me about a cat you petted and the next moment your hand is under my clothes.”

Souji gasped. “When have I ever...! No, you're right, that's what I used to do all the time.”

Hijikata chuckled silently.

“...But I can't do that anymore. There isn't much I can remind you with now.”

“That doesn't matter, because you just being there is fine.” Hijikata stopped walking at once. “Your voice. Your eyes. Your hands, no matter if they can still hold a sword, or anything at all.” He paused. “Carrying you. Holding you. You being happy. You being angry. You being sad,” another pause, “You.”

“Even when I'm not here anymore to remind you,” Souji whispered, “You must never forget.”

How could Hijikata ever?

Souji's decelerating breathing pattern suggested he was about to fall asleep. _Like a child being carried home,_ Hijikata thought. It was good, though, if he got some rest. Both for Souji and Hijikata, who didn't know how much longer he would've been able to go on explaining in a in a levelheaded manner. There were so many things he needed Souji to know, but no words left to say them.

 

* * *

 

 

Half an hour left until Tama. Carrying Souji didn't tire Hijikata out. He wished it did. And he wished that if it didn't, at least this walk would continue for all eternity. That he could hold onto Souji forever, comfortable on his back. Listen to him breathe when he was asleep, chat about their encounters on the way when he was awake. Perhaps sit down sometimes to take a quick meal and rest, but never let go of Souji. Alas, he knew that Souji needed a bed, and that it was for the better when he finally caught sight of the old houses he knew so well, and when he recognised the other shapes, he couldn't help but smile.

“Souji?”

“...I'm here”

“Look at that. There's some familiar faces waiting for us.”

 


End file.
